by By Aram
I didn’t know this scripture four years ago when my world turned upside down. Being a born again who subscribed to the “hakuna matata” type of Christianity, I couldn’t understand why God would watch silently as my world fell apart piece by piece and He didn’t seem to lift a finger.
The first thing to go was my “very stable” job. Next went my savings, then my wife decided to leave…. As a Christian I felt that divorce, being the death of something that isn’t supposed to die, should never be something God would allow.
What followed was alot of “why’s” which planted seeds of doubt in my faith.
Doubt is the number one weapon the devil uses to turn believers into unbelievers. Like Eve in the garden, the devils will say, “Did God indeed say?” Or like to Jesus in the wilderness, “If truly you’re the son of God…”
Once doubt settled I lost my sense of worth, purpose, direction… and life became vanity.
I didn’t know I was depressed.By the time you realize it’s depression it’s usually too late.
I can’t even quite say when I actually slipped into depression but I gradually I lost my sense of self worth. I’d go for days without getting out of bed and the only time I did was to visit the toilet. I didn’t eat, I wasn’t hungry, I’d get triggered by the smallest thing.
There was a time I stayed in for a whole month without even going to the verandah. It was a roller coaster.
What most people don’t realise is there’s no specific cause of depression and mental illness. There may be contributing factors and triggers but you can’t pin one thing specifically. So there’s no specific fix or solution for it.
I tried seeking help but I felt judged and misunderstood. And it made it really bad.
I tried seeking help but I felt judged and misunderstood. And it made it really bad.
I struggled with things like why should God break his promises and let me go through all this? Where were God’s promises in the middle of my hopelessness? I struggled with my expectations as a born again Christian — that life would be good because I loved Jesus. I struggled with the church’s reaction to my situation.
Then at my lowest the Holy Spirit directed me to this scripture in 1 Kings 19:1-9.
[1] When Ahab got home, he told Jezebel everything Elijah had done, including the way he had killed all the prophets of Baal.
[2]So Jezebel sent this message to Elijah: “May the gods strike me and even kill me if by this time tomorrow I have not killed you just as you killed them.”
[3]Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there.
[4]Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.”
[5]Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree. But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, “Get up and eat!”
[6]He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again.
[7]Then the angel of the lord came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.”
[8]So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God.
[9]There he came to a cave, where he spent the night.
That’s when I realised that as a Christian I’m not immune to mental health issues. Even Elijah after a victorious day slaying the prophets of Baal and calling down rain fell into depression so bad he wanted to die.
All through, in His own little ways, God sustained me and I wasn’t lost.
As I studied the book of Job, I noticed the stigma, judgement and ridicule that he got from the society that was happening in my life too albeit in a different way.
The Spirit further prompted me to read the Psalms and Ecclesiastes and I realised that the Bible is full of men used by God despite their mental health situations.
Though all through one theme was consistent — Praise and gratitude.
I’m still not out of the woods but God sustains me. And through all this I can say I’ve lost my sense of entitlement, and the pride that comes along with it, which the devil uses to create doubt and resentment.
I’m slowly learning that God is infinitely good. And no circumstance or situation can change that. He has a plan. And the harder I look the more the pattern becomes clearer.
I’m learning not to fight it but as a Christian it’s easier to surrender to His will and plan. I’m learning that depression and mental illness is real and I am not immune.
I’m learning that the Church needs to show more love and empathy as opposed to judgement and prejudice to members going through stuff — not just spiritual health but mental and physical health too.
Aram is an entrepreneur and photographer.
