by As the time of Jesus’ death drew nearer, he told his disciples cryptically that he was about to leave them.
“Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later,” he told them.
“Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you,” Peter said.
[Will you now?]
Of course, Peter was unaware of his vulnerabilities and weaknesses. He did not know that shortly after, pressed, his promise would not hold.
While his heart was in the right place, it took a lame threat from a servant girl that same night as Jesus was betrayed and arrested for Peter to denounce his Lord. The same person who said, “I will lay down my life for you,” soon said, “I was not with him.” “I do not know that man.”
Our own rash promises
If you have been married long enough, then you know how quickly “I will die for you,” can become “I hate you”; “Babe” becomes “hicho kimtu”; and “till death do us part” becomes “ I never want to see you again” or “I want a divorce.”
The rose glasses fall off and you realise you no longer like the person you married. The devil is indeed prowling around looking every part the angel of light and you want to be devoured, right from your inbox. Your partner is no longer worthy of love, submission, honour or respect and your marriage is no longer valuable, costly and precious. You are stubborn; or angry; or in love with another; or frustrated; jaded; giving up. The “I do” has turned to “I don’t” or “I don’t know.”
You have forgotten the sweetness of promises whispered in the dark and the solemnity of vows invoked under heady emotions before a cloud of witnesses and God.
The spirit is willing but flesh is weak
All those promises were made in simpler days. Days of love, and hope and naïvety. When we didn’t have to contend with family bills, interest from other (hotter, nicer, richer, smarter, better) people, cold hearts, infidelity, infertility, chronic illnesses, job loss or toxicity and rampant sin.
Now we realise we blabbered like Peter. We spoke too soon, without carefully counting the cost. We rushed into commitments and our “forever” has lasted two years.
We meant well. We really did. The spirit was willing but the flesh proved weak. When tested, our faith, like Peter’s, failed to hold up. Satan was busy sifting us and we unraveled. Now we have become men with lying lips and empty vows.
We are shocked, disappointed and mad at our frailty. We feel bad we are hurting those we pledged to love. We feel bad we can’t get over ourselves and do the right thing. We feel cornered because we can’t just ‘left’ because we are married to more than our spouse — we are married to our children, church, inlaws, neighbours, the church small group, our spouses colleagues and their friends, an entire other community.
A template for handling failure
But Jesus knew Peter would deny him — three times. And He knew Peter would come back. Jesus tells Peter, “I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.”
[See how Jesus calls Peter ‘Simon’ when he’s being a bad boy?]
Our flesh will rear its ugly head in our marriage and the results won’t be pretty. Our sinfulness will hurt us, hurt our partners, our children and those we love. Our faith will be tested. Our vows will be tested. Satan will seek to sift us like wheat so that we drop the ball.
We can’t with confidence say we will not stumble and fall — that we will love perfectly or even love every day, every season.
A day will come and we realise we uttered words in good faith but we are struggling to keep our end of the bargain. We are not having and holding; we have separated what we did not join.
But because we will struggle does not mean we will fail. We are wheat that remains, not chaff that is blown by the wind when winnowed. Satan wants us to lose our faith but though we lose a battle we shall not lose the war because God is for us. We are weak and frail but our God is strong. And the Lord, before whom we made our vows is able to hold us.
We have a High Priest in heaven who sympathises with our weaknesses. And he has gone ahead of us to the Most Holy Place by virtue of His blood. Jesus is interceding for us, right in the throne room, to the Father.
Jesus takes Peter’s denial all in stride and he is praying for him that this slip up will not become a Judas backsliding. And He expects him to repent and be restored and use the comfort he has received to strengthen his fellow disciples.
That’s a good template. Pray that you will not fall into temptation. Intercede for your marriage and those of others. Pray to Him who’s able to keep you from stumbling and who is able to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy.
No temptation has come to you but that which is common to men. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:19)
When you have failed, repent. Peter, after realising what he had done, went and wept bitterly. Don’t stay in the pig sty. Like the prodigal, say, “I will go back home.” Apologise and make amends. Seek to be restored and healed.
Keep your vows going forward. Marriage is choice love. It’s commitment love. It’s the “I will love you” love. Like Timothy Keller writes in his book, The Meaning of Marriage, “Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love. A wedding should not be primarily a celebration of how loving you feel now — that can safely be assumed. Rather, in a wedding you stand up before God, your family, and all the main institutions of society, and you promise to be loving, faithful, and true to the other person in the future, regardless of undulating internal feelings or external circumstances.”
Finally strengthen fellow brethren. There are others buckling under the weight of sin. There are those who are in despair. It might be raining everywhere but others are in a Category 7 storm. Warn them. Walk with them. Encourage them. Hold them up in prayer. Set an example for them in godliness. Strengthen the body of Christ.
