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A boda boda guy showed me the middle finger today.
We all know most boda guys are as controlled as frying popcorn in an open pot, so I have very low expectations of them behaving. Knowing that they are a law unto themselves doesn’t keep my stomach acid from rising every time I have a run-in with them in traffic. And it’s not just them; sitting behind the wheel is the modern-day Jesus in the wilderness with Satan. You’re more likely to lose your salvation while driving through Ngong Road than when walking through the red district of Amsterdam.
Back to the boda guy and his middle finger. The best part about that encounter is that it didn’t bother me. OK, I was a tad irritated, but not like it would have if this were me in September 2024. Nothing significant was happening in September 2024 (except that I began running for the first time since I got the baby, and it felt like my feet were dragging an elephant), but I have learned to separate issues, control my reactions, and not get angry a lot, especially over things I can’t control.
I wasn’t always cool like that. I was a dormant volcano. I can’t say I still am not, but I’m more aware and more patient. It’s nothing short of a miracle that I can write anything to anyone about anger.
Do you know that verse that says “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26)? If that is the verse St. Peter will use as a marking scheme to get into heaven, I already see myself being waved to the left. I carry anger like a soldier with his gun. I can sleep angry, wake up angry, and eat angry for seven business days. “Sleeping it off” doesn’t work with me; I wake up in the emotional state that I slept.
Anger and I have been long-term roommates in a very dysfunctional relationship, and if I am honest, we have shared some pretty dramatic moments. I hate being misinterpreted, misunderstood, or lied to. When that happens, I feel a surge of heat that seems to overtake every calm thought I had.
I have broken a glass table and a few cups in anger, and I have felt that awful sinking feeling afterward that whispers, “You could have done better.” For a long time, I believed I simply could not control my anger, that it was some wild thing that owned me. But little by little, I have discovered that God gave us tools to steer even our fiercest emotions. And the best part is that managing anger does not make you cold or detached; it actually draws you closer to God’s heart for patience and grace.
I have no authority to write to anyone about not sinning in anger; I need the sermon more myself. But if the last few days are anything to go by, I think I’m seeing some light. I’m learning to separate issues, create visible and invisible boundaries and take care of my reactions, not other peoples behavior.
Understanding Anger’s Role
Anger itself is not a moral flaw. It is an emotion God designed into the human experience to signal that something feels unjust, unsafe, or deeply hurtful. Even Jesus displayed anger when he whipped people’s backs and behinds, driving them from the temple courts. Anger can have a righteous place. You are allowed to be angry when lies are being glorified or defended, or when justice is being subverted.
The problem comes when anger sits too long or becomes the driver of our actions. When something triggers us, our emotional brain reacts much faster than our thinking brain. Stress chemicals surge through the body, hearts race, and before we have even processed what is happening, words and actions may erupt that wound others or embarrass us.
Understanding that our biology primes us for quick anger can help us step back and see that being angry is not the failure; the danger lies in what we do next. As James 1:19–20 reminds us, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.
Learning to Pause and Breathe
One of the most life-changing habits is simply pausing before reacting. When I feel anger rising, I take a deep breath. I remind myself that I am not obligated to answer or act right away. When you are someone who is always ready with an answer like me, you know this requires the strength of the Milky Way galaxy and all the yet-to-be-discovered stars.
Sometimes, I name the feeling in my mind: I’m hurt, I am disappointed, Im embarrassed, I am frustrated … This weakens the power of anger. This simple pause gives the rational part of my brain a chance to catch up with my emotions, and it is astonishing how much it can shift the tone of a conversation.
Proverbs 29:11 says that fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Taking even a moment to breathe and think can be the difference between a situation that escalates and one that resolves peacefully. It does not mean suppressing the feeling or pretending it is not there. It means acknowledging the emotion while choosing not to let it steer your words and actions.
I have learned to ask questions when I don’t understand what’s happening, often because my imagination is always worse than the truth. So, I ask. I don’t always get the answer I need because truth isn’t a priority or virtue for everyone.
Waiting Out the Surge
Scientists have found that the intense chemical rush that comes with anger lasts for only about ninety seconds if we do not feed it with more angry thoughts. This means if you can occupy yourself with something neutral, step outside, drink some water, or whisper a prayer, you will feel the heat begin to fade on its own.
Proverbs 16:32 reminds us that a patient person is better than a warrior and that self-control is more powerful than conquering a city. It is a practical truth: if you let those ninety seconds pass without fanning the flames, your body and mind will start to settle, and you will be able to think and respond instead of just reacting. Take a walk. Earlier in marriage, I used to take a walk when I felt like I was going to explode and say things I regret.I walk more for weight loss than to cool my anger nowadays.
Change he Story You Tell Yourself
Much of our anger grows not just from what happened, but from the story we attach to it. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we might immediately decide they disrespected us on purpose, which fuels more rage. But if we consider that maybe they were rushing to an emergency or simply made a mistake, the anger softens.
This mental reframing does not excuse bad behavior, but it does protect our peace. You can always comfort yourself with “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”. Shifting the story we tell ourselves is a powerful way to disarm anger. It reminds us that other people’s actions are often more about their own pain, stress, or ignorance than about a deliberate attack on us.
Don’t bottle things up; you will eventually explode. Lashing out damages relationships. The healthier middle ground is to express feelings calmly and directly. Using statements that begin with “I” instead of “you” can help. For example, saying “I felt hurt when my effort was overlooked” is far less likely to provoke defensiveness than “You never appreciate me.”
I mean, even Matthew 18:15, which encourages us to address conflict privately and constructively. Speaking with respect does not mean letting people walk all over you. It means holding your ground in a way that preserves dignity on both sides.
Inviting God Into the Process
Mindfulness may sound like a trendy term, but at its heart, it is simply awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and the presence of God in every moment. Pausing to breathe deeply, noticing your racing heartbeat, or silently praying “Lord, help me release this” creates a gap between feeling and reaction.
Do you take Philippians 4:6–7 seriously? It can be very helpful. It promises that when we bring everything to God with prayer and thanksgiving, His peace will guard our hearts and minds. Anger handled this way does not just fade; it transforms into a chance to trust God more deeply. One day, you wake up and find that moments which once triggered you become opportunities to show grace, and you didn’t pluck out your hair in the process.
Repairing Damage Quickly
Even with the best intentions, you will sometimes lose your cool. When that happens, resist the urge to ignore or justify it. A sincere apology, even one that feels awkward, repairs trust and clears the air.
Jesus taught in Matthew 5:23–24 that reconciliation should come before offering gifts at the altar. Restored relationships are important to God.
If anger seems too big to handle alone or is damaging your relationships, it may be time to talk to a counselor, pastor, or trusted mentor. You will learning new coping tools or uncover hidden triggers that can change your outlook on life.
