By Alex Shianda
As kids, our friends were our classmates, neighbours, or anyone we played with. However, we became adults and realized our colleagues, clients or neighbours were not necessarily our friends. As adults, we pursue friendships based on our goals and values. For example, we pursue friendships with other adults with parenting values similar to ours so that our children will have friends from families with shared values. In a similar way we may have hiking buddies, gym friends or business goal friends.
I reflected on this yesterday after a conversation with a member from our online Bible study group. We haven’t met physically but we have a common goal of growing spiritually. We are goal friends in this sense in studying the bible.
Goal friends are like Abraham and Lot. When Abraham heard Kedorlaomer had captured his nephew Lot, he mobilized his 318 trained men and went after Kedorlaomer’s army to rescue Lot (Genesis 14:14-16). Abraham demonstrates true friendship in this story as he doesn’t abandon Lot.
Proverbs 27:10 tells us ‘Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family’. Abraham didn’t. He had a stick-to-it-ness of being there for Lot when times were good — like when he let Lot choose the better pasture land (Genesis 13:10) — and when things were was bad — like rescuing him and his goods from Kedorlaomer.
Fair-weather friends don’t have this. They aren’t true friends. The Psalmists lamented, ‘Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me ‘ (Psalms 41:9).
A true goal friend will not abandon you when you are held captive by your workload, family commitments, school schedule, or a good cause or opportunity. They will look for alternative ways to remain connected with you and help you reach your common vision.
Proverbs 18:24 says ‘One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.’ We read about Ruth demonstrating the truth of this proverb to Naomi. Naomi wanted to leave Ruth behind in the land of Moab as she went back to Israel but Ruth told Noami ‘Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me’ (Ruth 1:16-17). For Ruth, friendship was not just for when things were going well. Naomi could count on her as she processed the loss of her husband, her two sons, and her livelihood and as she moved back to Israel. The story of Ruth and Naomi also shows a mother-in-law can be good friends with her daughter-in-law.
Sripture is littered with several examples of friendships. We can learn how to be good friends by looking at Daniel and his three companions as they prayed together and were diligent colleagues at the king’s court (Daniel 2:17-18, 49). We can learn from the flying sparks of Paul, Priscilla and Aquilla sharpening each other in Romans 16:3, 4. We see the importance of silence when visiting grieving friends like Job’s three friends (Job 2:11-13), or how to be loyal friends like Joram and Ahaziah (2 Kings 8:28, 29, 9:16), or Jehu and Jehonadab in 2 Kings 10:15-27 among others. If we however were to pick one Biblical character to learn the most about friendship, David would top the list.
David had many friends.
David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18:1-4, 20, 23:16-18, 2 Samuel 1:17-27, 9:1-13)
Jonathan knew David would be king in his place but he was secure in supporting David. He in vain tried to reconcile his father Saul with David. Even when Jonathan was killed at the battle of Gilboa alongside his two brothers and father, David never forgot their friendship. When he got into power, David called for Jonathan’s son to stay at the royal palace with him and eat at his table. From this friendship, we learn to take delight in honouring one another.
Romans 12:9-10 says ‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.’ David wasn’t pretending to have loved Jonathan. He took delight in honouring Jonathan’s family name.
David and Abiathar (1 Samuel 22:23)
David protected Abiathar after he escaped the killing of the priests at Nob led by Doeg the Edomite (1 Samuel 22:23). Abiathar was a priest from the lineage of Eli. David had earlier sought refuge at Abiathiar’s. When David ascended to power, he made Abiathar a co-high priest with Zadok (2 Chronicles 15:11-12, 2 Samuel 15:24). We see Abiathar still faithful to David in old age when Absalom revolted against his father David. However, he favoured Adonijah after David died instead of Solomon. For Abiathar, friendship ended with David’s death. This friendship teaches us to honour our friend’s name posthumously. Unlike how David demonstrated his friendship with Jonathan even in death, Abiathar spit on David’s grave.
David and Nahash (2 Samuel 10:2)
‘David thought, ‘I will show kindness to Hanun son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me.’ So David sent a delegation to express his sympathy to Hanun concerning his father.’ David must have understood that ‘If you repay good with evil, evil will never leave your house’ (Proverbs 17:13). From this extension of hand of friendship, we learn ‘ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.’ (Romans 12:18). David did not want trouble with Hanun because of the kindness his father had shown him.
David and Hiram (1 Kings 5:1)
Hiram was a friend to David and Solomon. When David captured Zion, Hiram sent a delegation to congratulate him. When David wanted to build his palace, Hiram provided cedar timber, masons, and carpenters (2 Samuel 5:11). When Solomon wanted to build the temple it was Hiram who again provided the timber, masons and carpenters (1 Kings 5:1-12). Friends support by deeds, not just words (1 John 3:18). The saying action speaks louder than words is an oft truth worth repeating.
David and Mephibosheth (2 Samuel 9)
Mephibosheth (Jonathan’s son) was five years old when a nurse carrying him dropped him, causing to him become lame on both feet. David honouriex his friendship with Jonathan by welcoming Mephibosheth to his table, but Mephibosheth also won the favour of the king after the lie Ziba his servant had shared with the king that Mephibosheth wanted the throne. Proverbs 22:11 ‘Whoever loves a pure heart and gracious speech will have the king as a friend.’
David and Hushai (2 Samuel 15:32-37, 16, 17:1-22)
Proverbs 27:9 ‘Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.’ Hushai was one of two leading counselors David had. He remained faithful to David during Absalom’s rebellion and defeated Ahithophel’s advice. We need to surround ourselves with people whose advice we can follow.
David and Ittai (2 Samuel 15:19-21)
Ittai was an inhabitant of Gath. He was the commander of 600 men and he followed David from the Philistine city of Gath. Ittai was faithful to David through all his leadership as king. He led a third of the royal army in the battle which resulted in the death of Absalom. Ittai teaches us to remain loyal to our friends.
Goal friends therefore are not friends who manipulate or use others as stepping stones to rise in their development/career or forget you once you die. They are trustworthy, dependable and honourable and they take delight in honouring others, extending kindness, showing their friendships with action, and giving advice from a pure heart.
Goal friends in online Bible Study
I cherish the goal friendship developed through our online Bible study. The general benefits of an in-person Bible study, I have come to learn, can also be experienced online. God’s word is active and will never return to him void regardless of the medium or experience it is shared in.
Many people are skeptical of social media interactions because of the use of pseudonyms, trolling and cyberbullying. They are wary of members who have no discipline and share irrelevant content in groups, or sons and daughters of dissent who only sow seeds of discord online. Despite these potential dangers, which are present in real life as well, virtual Bible studies work. The key to making virtual groups work is to be goal friends — friends committed to a common goal, in our case it is spiritual growth.
The key to making virtual groups work is to be goal friends — friends committed to a common goal, in our case it is spiritual growth.
What if you are willing to grow but your goal friends sabotage you? They are not submitting their studies nor are they engaging in the discussions. What should you do? We can learn from what Samuel did to his friendship with Saul. When Saul disobeyed God’s command to fight the Amalekites, God rejected Saul for his disloyalty. This development saddened Samuel so much he cried all night (1 Samuel 15:11). Samuel confronted Saul the next day. Saul initially denied any wrongdoing before agreeing he hadn’t fully obeyed God’s command. Samuel broke their friendship that day. He never went to meet with Saul again. The loss of this friendship led Samuel to constantly mourn for so many days that God had to eventually call him out of it (1 Samuel 15:35, 16:1).
Why did Samuel end this friendship? One possible reason is from James 4:4: ‘Don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.’ Saul had chosen to be entrapped with the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life rather than fully obey God. Scripture says ‘Saul and his men spared Agag’s life and kept the best of the sheep and goats, the cattle, the fat calves, and the lambs—everything, in fact, that appealed to them. They destroyed only what was worthless or of poor quality. ‘(1 Samuel 15:9). Samuel was not going to let Saul sabotage his relationship with God.
There is wisdom in imitating Samuel to end friendships that would lead us away from becoming more Christlike even if it makes us mourn the loss of friendship for a while.
Alex Shianda is the author of Celebrating Christ.
This is very profound, I have seen new way of evaluating friendships
I have learnt it is important to know the season you are in and cherish the friends you have at the time and be loyal
This is very insightful about friendship. I agree that in our adult life we need to be intentional on who to be friends with; people whom we share values, goals and possibly a vision. Thanks for this piece