by By Erick Muriithi
The topic at hand, is personal. I struggled with a father wound for a long time. And as one whom our gracious Dad in heaven has healed, I share these precious truths with young people, who need them. My father was not just unfaithful to my mother — he wasted her money on wild living. Two loans later, after a near auctioning incident, my parents separated.
A boiling hatred for our dad was left in our hearts; such hatred that it showed in our determination to not be like him. Living with my bitter mother didn’t make things easier either. She constantly compared me to my dad. And my relationship with her soured. But, God intervened!
I am not here to simply tell you about my healing journey, but to share the precious truth that warmed my heart to my father again, and is now a thorn in the side of my extended family. I had been bludgeoned with moralistic arguments like, “You know your blessings come from your father, thus mend your relationship”. But none of these arguments worked. They come from a misinterpretation of the Bible. So, what changed my heart?
God’s sovereignty
Genesis 50:20 NET
As for you, you meant to harm me, but God intended it for a good purpose, so he could preserve the lives of many people, as you can see this day.
One evening as I was thinking about my life, I realized that there was one party I had not considered. I had considered my immoral father and the consequences of his actions, but I had never considered his creator and my creator. The big mistake that people make is to assume that broken families are an accident; that absentee fathers are simply not there by accident; that such kinds of scenarios come about randomly. But the Bible shows us that God is sovereign. That by his most wise and holy counsel, he did ordain whatsoever comes to pass, as the Westminster Confession of faith affirms.
God was not surprised by these broken families, he ordained that they happen. He planned for them. He is absolutely in control of all that happens. He planned for these families to be, allowed for the father’s to be unfaithful, for a good purpose. Now, we must be careful here. God ordaining these things doesn’t necessarily mean he approves of them. It simply means that behind the evil intentions of these unfaithful and deadbeat fathers is an all-wise sovereign and holy God whose way is perfect. Just as he ordained the selling of Joseph to Egypt and the crucifixion of his Son, he also ordained the brokenness and dysfunctionality of these families, for a glorious purpose — to do us good. To conform us to the image of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:28-30). How can we be conformed to the glorious image of the glorious suffering servant without such events?
Sin
‘You are just like your father!’ Such a statement can be difficult to swallow, but it is important that we think of it.
Mark 7:21-23 NET
For from within, out of the human heart, come evil ideas, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, evil, deceit, debauchery, envy, slander, pride, and folly. All these evils come from within and defile a person.”
We can never truly understand forgiveness or truly forgive unless we understand the truth about sin. We make the mistake of assuming that we are somehow better than our fathers. As a result, we develop hatred and indignation towards them. This is the fruit of walking in the flesh (Gal 5).
If you properly understand the truth about sin, then you will not feel hatred towards your father, but compassion. The Bible is clear — there is no one righteous. That applies to us and our fathers and our family members. We are great rebels against God. We share a common nature that expresses itself differently in people — lust, pride, sexual immorality, all flow from our hearts.
Jesus spoke these words to show that outward efforts to try and keep yourself undefiled are futile. You are already what you’re trying not to be! A great deal of young men grow up determined not to be like their fathers. They attend crusades where someone tells them that if he prays for them, they will break generational patterns and so on. That is a big lie. These generational patterns were not started by ours fathers or our ancestors, but by one man’s disobedience — Adam.
Adam disobeyed God and we have his nature. We are all partakers of Adam’s sin and nature. We are exactly like our first father!
What that means is, our hearts spew out immorality and licentiousness and all manner of evil, just like that of our fathers. Then, the one true father wound that we have is sin. Efforts to not be like our fathers will get us nowhere. The more we try, the more we will see that we are just like them. A snake begets a snake. We are like the Pharisees that Jesus told, “You decorate the tombs of the prophets saying, ‘If we had been around during the time of our fathers, we wouldn’t have killed the prophets.’ And thus you affirm that you are the sons of those who killed the prophets.” We are like our fathers.
Redemption
1 Peter 1:18-21 NET
You know that from your empty way of life inherited from your ancestors you were ransomed – not by perishable things like silver or gold, but by precious blood like that of an unblemished and spotless lamb, namely Christ. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was manifested in these last times for your sake. Through him you now trust in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.
If you are exactly like your father, and the same nature of sin that brought his actions about is in you, then it makes no sense to keep trying to be different. You are as much a slave of sin as he is. So then, if moral improvement will not cure you, what will?
Redemption refers to the practice of buying a slave’s freedom for him. Enter Jesus Christ. In the verse above, Apostle Peter writes that the elect were redeemed from the futile way of their forefathers by the blood of the spotless lamb of God. What you need is not therapy. You need to see that the only way out is by being redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, who died to redeem us from that futile way. Our sins must be forgiven by God first. You need forgiveness and salvation. If you are just as sinful as your father, and under the wrath and condemnation of God, then you need redemption, not therapy.
Therefore, the way to be cured is to get off your moral high horse and see yourself as a futile sinner just as your father, and to see that only by the blood of the spotless lamb of God have you been redeemed.
God brought me to the place where I understood that the only difference between me and my father is the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, applied to me by the Holy Spirit as a result of the great love of God for me, which I could never earn. Many young men will continue to work hard hopelessly trying to “break generational patterns” and they will end up in the same hellhole because our works do not make us any different. Redemption is all that matters. You are either under condemnation or under God’s grace.
God knows our fathers were immoral and absent and sinful. And God knows that we are immoral and sinful, and in his love, he manifested Christ Jesus for us. We are saved from that futile life by the blood of Jesus Christ alone. We deserve death and condemnation as much as our fathers, and in Christ, there’s redemption for us and them. Acknowledge your sinfulness and put your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ for your redemption.
Adoption
Galatians 4:4-7 NET
But when the appropriate time had come, God sent out his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we may be adopted as sons with full rights. And because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, who calls “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave but a son, and if you are a son, then you are also an heir through God.
The language in this verse, mirrors the language of 1 Peter 1:18-21. God sent his son, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that those who are redeemed would be adopted as sons, and if sons, then they would be heirs.
Jesus Christ didn’t simply come to die to give us a ticket to heaven. He died so that we would be adopted by the father as sons with the full rights and privileges of the son of God. Jesus Christ said that God the father loves us with the same love that he loves his son, Jesus Christ.
John 17:23 NET
I in them and you in me – that they may be completely one, so that the world will know that you sent me, and you have loved them just as you have loved me.
In Christ Jesus, we find that we are adopted by the Father who loves us perfectly and everlastingly. Thus, we are no longer in the futile ways of our fathers, but in the very way of the living God. Forgiven of our sins and awaiting an inheritance that is imperishable, laid up in heaven for us.
So then, we ought to show the same love to these men as God has shown us in his son Jesus Christ. We ought to see them as objects of pity, and to pray for them, that they too will find redemption in Christ Jesus. Emulate your heavenly father. Show love and compassion to your father, just as he has shown you love and compassion.
Soli Deo Gloria!
Eric Muriithi is a writer and Bible student who loves to engage in both polemic and apologetic discussions. He is involved in campus ministry at Egerton University, Kenya. Read his other articles at https://erickmuriithi.art.blog/author/erickmuriithi/
