by By Winnie Ngahu
Here is to a man who understood that children do not always know what they need even when they know what they want. My father is in no way a perfect man, especially now seen through the lenses of an adult, but he was a great parent. He saw me and called me out and refused to allow the narrative of average to dictate my life.
There’s nothing average about him either; he towers, absolutely taller than everyone in the room. When he shakes your hand, you can not let yours lie limb in his. His handshake demands that you reciprocate. He bellows where others speak. Amazingly, with me, that bellow resonated with gentleness and indulgence.
Growing up with a high school principal for a dad, I knew that people feared and respected him in equal measure; but that was not the case for me. I could tell dad anything — not that I did because, which teenager knows fully what to do with a good thing? This led to many evenings of debate between the two of us during the school holidays. On these occasions, I believe, to date, that he thought I was the smartest kid in the world, and that shaped the person I grew into.
When I sat for the Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education the first time, I was 16, young and undefined by future cares. I scored a C+. It was a good grade, and there were options available. I used the debate experience to articulate these options to him. My father stood his ground. He said he knew that I was capable of much more than I was reaching for and gave ultimatums. A month later, I was back in high school to retake the final year with great determination to prove him right! And I did! He walked around for months after my second attempt, with the result slip in his shirt pocket, and drew it out at the slightest conversation with great pride to show that his daughter scored a B+.
Now, as an adult and parent, I recognise how life changing this moment was. He saw me, he believed in me and he called me out. My father set a platform and gave me a narrative to revert to — I can aspire to more. This approach of parenting has not been foolproof or without its moments of heartbreak, but what in life is? It, however, was the thing I needed.
On this Father’s Day, I celebrate my dad for being the parent and allowing me to be a child. I celebrate him for understanding that a child may not always know what they need. I celebrate him for acting on that understanding to ensure that my needs were met. Today, while my father and I differ on worldviews and perspectives and choices, he treats me with respect and pride, and we still can talk about anything. He still listens like I am the smartest kid he knows.
My father, through his life, has taught me that a person is not just one thing — they are not either good or bad; they are just human, and a person can do both good and bad deeds. I do not know if he was out to teach this lesson, but it has been a significant one because often we are tempted to define those we love deeply as above human, a sure set up for pain and hurt.
My father is first and foremost a man, then a husband and a father, and as greater than life as he seemed , he was still always human and prone to human fallibilities. I recognise myself in this ‘fallenness’, especially as I parent my own adolescent children now. There’s so much good I want to do or say to them but do not, instead, in the words of Paul in Romans 7:19 “I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”
This brings me to the cross; to the one Father who absolutely knew and still knows what we need as his children and gave up the life of his Son while we were still sinners to meet our need. I am comforted and strengthened by the truth of God’s faithfulness, consistency, and his absoluteness. Unlike us, he is God! He is who he is — unchanging, dependable, true and Holy.
I hold on to the words of Matthew 7:11 “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
Happy Father’s Day, dad! And a happy Father’s Day to all dads out there who are attempting to figure out their children’s needs. And if today what stands out most acutely is your own father’s failure because he is/was human, then look to our heavenly Father. He is God! He doesn’t fail.
Winnie Ngahu is a Christian and counseling psychologist who practices and lives in Nairobi with her husband and three children. She is dedicated to understanding teenagers and young adults and how they relate with the world.
‘They are open, eager, curious and fearless; imagine the endless possibilities of who they could grow into if offered patient guidance and mentorship’.
