November 14, 2024
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Nine years a widow: Lessons on grief

By Priscilla Makutwa

Time

Regardless of the duration of your relationship, losing your partner feels like an eternal loss. Whether you spent one day or several decades together, the feeling of being robbed of precious moments is universal among widows. I was married for five years, and had two kids by then, but even that seemingly substantial time felt like a mere blink of an eye. Stop telling people it’s a matter of time.

I knew he was going to go, but I still wasn’t ready: Even if you anticipate your spouse’s passing due to illness or other circumstances, emotional preparation is never enough. The grief journey begins long before the actual loss, as you have terminal conversations, create wills, or gather important documents. No matter how much you do to prepare, you will never be fully able to comprehend the gravity of the loss to come.

Memories of the funeral

In grief, certain details of the funeral and burial become hazy, if not entirely forgotten. The intensity of emotions can create a numbing effect, protecting our minds from fully absorbing the traumatic events surrounding the loss. I have struggled to recall specific moments of the funeral, such as where I sat or how I got there. The mind has its defense mechanisms, and it chooses what to preserve and what to shield us from.

The emotions of fresh grief

The immediate aftermath of losing a spouse is filled with a huge mix of emotions. Surprisingly, my initial reaction was overwhelming sadness, and lived in fear. My husband had battled ALS and had been bedridden for a couple of years. I still wanted him alive as he was the father of my toddlers. We had so much hope, we had so many plans, and we had lots of things to do together. To be sincere he was no longer in pain, Miguel had been relieved by God. Then everything followed by emotional torture which I wouldn’t want to go into. What would people think if they knew what was going on in my head at that moment? Finally, numbness, as if my emotions had momentarily shut down.

Unforeseen conflicts

Dealing with the aftermath of a loved one’s death involves various practical matters. Unfortunately, death can bring out the worst in people, leading to unnecessary disagreements and lengthy battles. These unexpected challenges can further complicate the grieving process and require immense emotional strength to navigate.

The ebb and flow of support

Initially, people rally around you, offering their condolences, support, and even meals. Miguel had very good people around him. He had true friends and true brothers who stood by us at all times. But as time passes, the world continues moving forward while your life is forever altered. Am so grateful to all of you who have been sincerely walking this journey. To my family and friends, I couldn’t ask for more…

Insensitive comments

Throughout your journey as a widow, you will encounter well-intentioned individuals who say things that come across as heartless or inconsiderate. People often resort to clichés in an attempt to offer solace without fully comprehending the depth of their pain. I’ve heard my fair share of thoughtless remarks, and while most people mean well, it can still be hurtful. Remember to focus on the intentions behind the words rather than the words themselves.

Identity

Losing a spouse not only changes your relationship status but also shakes the foundation of your identity. For years, you may have defined yourself as part of a couple, and suddenly you are faced with redefining who you are as an individual. This process can be both daunting and liberating. It’s an opportunity to reconnect with your passions, explore new interests, and rediscover yourself in ways you never thought possible.

Grief

Grief is a nonlinear journey that takes you on a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, you may feel a sense of acceptance and peace, and the next, overwhelming sadness may wash over you. Understanding that grief has no set timeline, embrace the highs and lows, knowing that each wave brings you closer to finding a new sense of normalcy.

Love and laughter after loss

While grief may seem all-consuming, it doesn’t mean that love and laughter are lost forever. As time goes on, you may find yourself open to new relationships and connections. It’s important to give yourself permission to love again and allow happiness to enter your life. Finding joy and laughter in the midst of grief is not a betrayal; it’s a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, and a chance to make the most of the days that your spouse never got to have.

Memories

Memories are the threads that connect us to our loved ones even after they’re gone. Cherishing the memories you shared with your spouse and finding ways to honor their legacy can bring comfort and solace. Whether it’s creating a memory box, writing in a journal, or participating in activities that your spouse loved, preserving their memory allows you to keep them alive in your heart.

The strength within

Becoming a widow forces you to tap into a well of strength you may not have known existed. It’s a journey that tests your resilience, courage, and ability to adapt. While the pain may be overwhelming at times, remember that you have the strength within you to navigate this new chapter of your life. Lean on your support network, seek professional help if needed, and believe in your self.

Conclusion

Becoming a widow is an indescribable experience that forever changes your life. Through the pain and challenges, valuable lessons are to be learned and moments of growth and healing are to be discovered. Remember that you are not alone on this journey and others have walked this path before you. Embrace the love, laughter, and memories that remain, and find solace in the strength that lies within you. To my late Husband thank you for the time we shared. Thank you for the precious gift of our children. Keep resting in peace.

Priscilla Makutwa works as a teacher, interpreter and translator in Málaga, Spain. She lost her husband to ALS nine years ago after being married for five years. She is a mother of two beautiful girls.

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