By Alex Shianda
In my early twenties as an undergrad student, my friends and I repeatedly asked each other a variation of the question, “What do you want to be remembered for?” My epitaph answer was always, “He was my friend”.
Making friends comes easy to me for I love to engage with different worldviews. Take Bible study for example. I have Bible study friends for different aspects of my life. I have a Strava/Fitbit Bible study group, an Audio Bible study group, a 5am Bible study group for new habit cultivation, a Movies Bible study group, among other mutual interests that make for good conversation seasoned with God’s word.
As a person who enjoys other people’s company, I derive pleasure in helping others. I often romanticize the idea that everyone is out to help others thrive. But building and maintaining friendships is not always obvious, even for me. I, for example, find it difficult to connect with people who insist their worldview is the only right one. Add to this list people who hate others and two-faced friends, false friends and friends who keep your company to manipulate, spy, or set a trap for you.
The Bible gives examples of false friends. Delilah, whose name means delicate or wasted with longing or desire, was a philistine woman who lured Samson to his ruin (Judges 16:1-20). She was a false friend. David had false friends as we read in the Psalms: ‘Malicious witnesses testify against me. They accuse me of crimes I know nothing about. They repay me evil for good. I am sick with despair. Yet when they were ill, I grieved for them. I denied myself by fasting for them, but my prayers returned unanswered. I was sad, as though they were my friends or family, as if I were grieving for my own mother. But they are glad now that I am in trouble; they gleefully join together against me. I am attacked by people I don’t even know; they slander me constantly. They mock me and call me names; they snarl at me. ‘ Psalm 35:11-16
‘Even my best friend, the one I trusted completely, the one who shared my food, has turned against me.‘ Psalms 41:9
‘It is not an enemy who taunts me— I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me— I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God. As for my companion, he betrayed his friends; he broke his promises.’ Psalms 55:12-14, 20
I know of a pastor who confessed certain sin to his friend. But the friend either didn’t know gossip separates the best of friends (Proverbs 16:28) or he is the classic example of a two-faced/false friend. He relished feeding the story to whoever wanted to hear it. With each retelling, tension in the church grew, quarrels were started and people were slandered. This friend was a busybody in other people’s affairs. They ended up suffering for making trouble for the pastor. 1 Peter 4:15 says, ‘If you suffer, however, it must not be for murder, stealing, making trouble, or prying into other people’s affairs. ‘
Fear of intimacy
But it’s not always friends who pry into other people’s affairs that make good friendships end. Some people run away from good friendships for fear of the warm socialisation wind blowing their way. I have seen this wind blow friendships to both extremes in Christian male-female relationship scenarios.
Njeri* and Steve* are married with three children and are active in their local church. *Mike is their friend and they let the wind blow Njeri’s friendship with Mike* wherever it will. They have no guardrails. Mike, who is unmarried, has their house keys. He randomly comes over for meals at their place. He watches their kids when they need help. Njeri and Steve see nothing wrong with the affability Mike brings especially to Njeri who is sometimes overwhelmed with parenting and career.
Chris* and Paula*, a Christian couple in their 30s, on the other hand, have fights about how each has let a particular male or female friend in their lives. They don’t drop the sails; they cut the masts whenever a person of the opposite gender becomes creative in their space. They spy on each other’s phones even though they affirm they are being transparent with each other.
How should believers enjoy opposite-sex friendships?
We need to first know ourselves. The book, Surviving an Affair, by Willard F. Harley Jr and Jennifer Harley Chalmers tries to answer the question of how a marriage can survive an affair. Dr Harley and Dr Chalmers list the following emotional needs as most important in a relationship. When these needs are being met by someone else, then cheating occurs. Knowing your primary emotional needs will help you know if you are taking deposits into your love bank from someone you should not be.
Affection: This is the essential cement for many relationships. It is expressed by messages like “You are important to me”, “I am concerned about the problems you face”… A hug can say these things, so can a note, a text, flowers, holding hands, walks, phone calls, inbox…
Sexual fulfilment: Affection is non-sexual in nature but the same things can be sexual in nature. Here is how you know you have sexual fulfilment as a need — you have sexual fantasies. Fantasies in general are emotional needs indicators. If you have imagined what it would be like having your sexual need met in the most fulfilling ways, you probably have a sexual need.
Conversation: Unlike sex, which is a need that is to be met exclusively in marriage, conversation cannot. If this is your important emotional need, then you need to have your spouse as your primary mate for whoever will fill this gap (primarily) will deposit many love units, and you may fall in love with that person.
Recreational companionship: During dating you’ll find women getting interested in their men’s activities and vice versa. However, once married, many realize their spouse is not interested in their activities. If you find someone who meets your need for recreation and companionship (you do the activity together) it’s easy to have an affair. Choose to be your spouse’s recreational companion.
Honesty and openness: Those of us who want to feel secure in our relationship and have this need as most important tend to want accurate information, about our bae’s thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. If it’s not provided, trust is undermined. Instead of growing together, we feel off balance. If you feel frustrated when your spouse is not open with you, it’s an indicator of this emotional need.
Physical attractiveness: For many, this is a big deposit source for love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention but may distract you from whatever you were doing. This need is not just at the initial stages. It also covers weight, choice of clothing, hairstyle, makeup, and personal hygiene.
Financial support: If your spouse could not find work and you had to support him the rest of his life, would he withdraw love units? You may have a need for financial support if you expect your spouse to earn a living.
Domestic support: This involves the creation of a peaceful and well-managed home environment. It includes cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, cleaning the house and child care. If a person feels fulfilled when their spouse does this and very angry when not done, this is an indicator they have this emotional need. Newlyweds usually wash dishes together and help each other around the house but it explodes when children come into the picture because children create huge needs.
Family commitment: If you don’t have children you may not sense this need, but when the first child arrives, a change may take place that you didn’t anticipate. Family commitment is not child care-feeding, clothing etc that falls under domestic support. Family commitment is about teaching your children values, spending quality time with them and developing them into successful adults.
Admiration: If you have this need, you probably fell in love because of his compliments. Criticism hurts you deeply because you desire to be appreciated. Your spouse can build and deplete this love account all in a day with their compliments or criticism if this is your most important emotional need.
Look at the above emotions needs and consider what your primary needs are. But how do we know ourselves?
We know ourselves by knowing God. God expects that if our friends or even relatives invite us to worship false gods we are not to keep company with them (Deuteronomy 13:6-7). Bad company corrupts good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33). We are to be godly friends. Godly friends are kind to their friends (Job 6:14). They quiet friends who are busybodies gossiping about others (Proverbs 11:3). A true friend is always loyal (Proverbs 17:17). They stick closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24). Godly friends don’t visit their neighbours too often — this includes their inboxes (Proverbs 25:17). They give good goldy suggestions (Proverbs 27:9) .
Alex Shianda is the author of “Celebrating Christ”.
Beautiful piece, boundaries help us define friendships