The fears that keep pastors lonely

In 2021 I was part of a book club that read one theological book per week. Our goal was to read 42 books in 42 weeks. One of the books that had the most impact on my life was Dangerous Calling by Paul Tripp. I was so moved I started another group for pastors to read this book.

This book is about a pastor’s quest to pastor other pastors. In it, Paul Tripp confesses his shortcomings as a pastor/Christian leader and encourages pastors to be more self-aware of their failures.

The book is divided into three parts. The first looks at the challenges pastors face and the dangers that lead to these challenges, such as spiritual blindness or a wrong perspective on ministry.

Tripp then goes to the root of these issues — which he ties to a loss of the awe of God and forgetting who one is. He argues that when pastors forget who God is, they become mediocre in their work, they have false contentment and have secret sins.

Tripp then paints a picture of how pastors can be better leaders and believers. He says pastors are held to the same standards as other Christians.

I enjoyed the book. Tripp was real, revealing enough not to be discredited, and firm enough not to tolerate sin. He consistently repeated the importance of having one’s heart right before God more than doing “church” or knowing what to teach or how to teach.

I especially liked his input on excellence. This will be an area of practice for me. For example, he says you practice a sermon 15-20 times before preaching it and have the content ready at least three weeks in advance!

As I have become more involved with church planting, I am beginning to see some of the things Dr Tripp warns pastors to watch out for. Loneliness specifically stands out. In his book, Tripp mentions four debilitating pastoral fears that I see can lead to loneliness.

Fear of me

Pastors fear ministry will reveal their sin, immaturity, weakness and failures. Tripp says the pastorate puts the pastor under public expectancy and scrutiny, which can lead to “deep feelings of inadequacy.” He writes: “I am most aware that my greatest battles in my walk and in my ministry will always be between the kingdom of god and the kingdom of self. I want to be concerned about whether people like me, my preaching, my personality, how I serve… sin reduces my field of concern down to my wants, needs and feelings.”

Fear of others

Dr Tripp notes, “Because ministry will always be done with people and for people, it is vital that people are in the right place in your heart… People will hurt you and damage your ministry. People will demand of you what they should not demand and will respond to you in ways they should not respond”.

Yet people are critical in a leader’s life. Tripp blares a warning for pastors who want to become avoidant in answering personal questions and who seek to walk the Christian journey with no openness, accountability or dependency on others in the body of Christ. Tripp writes: “Sin plays havoc with our spiritual vision. Although we are able to see the sin of others with specificity and clarity, we tend to be blind to our own… because sin blinds, god has set up the body of Christ to function as an instrument of seeing in our lives, so that we can know ourselves with a depth and accuracy that would be impossible if left on our own… Autonomous Christianity never works because or spiritual life was designed by God to be a community project.”

Tripp warns against the dangers of being less needy of God, which leads to being less open to being ministered to by others.

Fear of circumstances

There is a “constant unpredictability to life and ministry… You are always living in the tension between who God is and what He’s promised and the unexpected things that are on your plate”. But spiritual leaders should understand that ministry is war. “it is a war of values, allegiances and motivations.”

Fear of the future

“Not knowing is hard… we find questions of the future hard to deal with because we find it difficult to trust God.”

I have seen these fears play out differently, yet they contribute to the feeling of alienation among ministers of God’s word. In one of my door-to-door adventures, I met with Kevin who told me he saw no reason to wait for the same Jesus his grandmother waited for to her death. He sees himself as one set free from the slavery of Christianity. Kevin’s life is crushing from drugs and alcohol abuse but he is committed to taking God’s common grace in vain. That God wakes him up and gives him the ability to get wealth doesn’t make sense to him so he criticizes the things of God. He fears he will look like a brainless zombie if he joins the community of faith.

He is not alone. Many people are dismayed by God and the church. They sought justice but never received it. They prayed for healing and didn’t receive it. Their loved ones died. These believers see nothing beautiful or majestic about God (Isaiah 53:2). They, therefore, shun the community of faith or nominally go to church gatherings and assign themselves as spiritual lawnmowers, cutting down any blade that stands out as a step of faith, a call to prayer, a ministry of the word or a call to fellowship.

One such person is Kibet. After a grisly road accident, Kibet was in a coma for a couple of weeks and spent several months in recovery. Bitterness has now taken deep roots in his life since he is unable to do stuff he would have normally done by himself. I shared with him that we were planting a church and it would be great to have him as a part of it. He was not interested. Despite God preserving his life, Kibet is unwilling to repent of his bitterness and join a community of faith. He doesn’t want to be seen as physically challenged and to be prayed for by other believers, in his words, “as a needy person”.

Others claim to receive Christ but reject the minister of Christ. They fear preachers, not the community of faith. So they want to influence the direction of the ministry away from the under-shepherd. They will complain about how the minister serves them, his teachings, his dressing, and the speed of church growth or decline. These believers don’t send their offerings together with the community of faith. They would rather give directly to a needy person in the street, a children’s home, or an endowment fund — anything but to the pastor who labours over them. They do this because they fear being taken advantage of.

This fear of being part of a community of faith or fear of ministers of God’s word leads many pastors to battle loneliness because they don’t build meaningful friendships from their circle of influence. They remain burdened, sad and overwhelmed by their senses, too afraid to open up about the challenges they are facing. They isolate themselves but still are taken hostage by the desires of others.

Think about it. Are you friends with your pastor or are you like the majority of congregants who don’t know the welfare of their pastors? Do you believe it is someone’s else responsibility, not yours, to care about your pastor? Does your pastor trust you? Would he open up to you about his welfare?

How can pastors and congregations deal with the fear of others? Tripp tells us only “the awe of God” is the solution to the fear of others. It should motivate our relationships and how we live. I agree with him. “It is only the fear of God that has the spiritual power to overwhelm all the horizontal fears that can capture your heart… It is only when God looms larger than anything you are facing that you can be protected and practically free from the fear that either paralyzes you or causes you to make foolish decisions.”

Tripp urges ministers to live out of the grace of the Gospel. “When you live out of the grace of the Gospel, you quit fearing failure, you quit avoiding being known and you quit hiding your struggles and sin.”