by ‘It’s better to stay outside on the roof of your house than to live inside with a nagging wife.’ Proverbs 21:9 CEV
Once I shared this Proverbs 21:9 text, which is also found in Proverbs 25:24, with a male friend and told him it applies to men too. His nonverbal response through his facial expression registered hi negative response even before he spoke. His cultural bias made him think the lesson could not apply to men. He said I was reading into the Bible text.
However, the general truth of this proverb holds — there is no comfort in staying outside on the roof of your house, as a husband or a wife, because you are susceptible to the elements of nature. The sun will beat you by day and the cold will bite you at night. But the writer of Proverbs contrasts these dangers as being better than living with an unpleasant person. He uses a woman, perhaps because of the understanding that women speak more words than men.
According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, on average, women speak 13,349 words per day compared to 11,950 words per day for men. This 1,000 or 1,500 words difference is not the words that make society label women as nagging. The 11,950 words by men may well be the constant harassment in the home. For example, fathers are told not to aggravate their children (Ephesians 6:4). Warren Wiesbe, in his exposition commentary on Ephesians 6, tells how in Paul’s day, when a baby was born into a Roman family, it was brought out and laid before the father. If he picked it up, it meant he was accepting it in the home. But if he did not pick it up, it meant the child was rejected. It could be sold, given away, or even killed by exposure. If a father accepts a child as his own, yet he constantly yells at them, criticises them or publicly embarrasses them, it can lead to the child being angry and wanting to live outside on the roof rather than be under the same roof with his father.
Colossians 3:21 gives another consequence of the unfiltered words by fathers: discouragement. Instead of causing aggravation that leads to discouragement, fathers should instruct their children in a way that leaves them feeling encouraged. Children should expect their fathers to always keep their promises, be consistent with all their siblings and be praised for their efforts. This way, men build their homes for godly offspring.
Proverbs 21:9 is one of the “better” proverbs in the Bible, where a saying provides a contrast or extreme that is preferable to experiencing evil or the disagreeable. Another in the context of relationships is Proverbs 21:19 that says it is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman. The punishing vexation that leaves a person feeling as though they were drinking sand when dying of thirst is from active complaining. Imagine living or working with someone who consistently expresses their dissatisfaction or annoyance with you or your work. They contest what you have done or said simply because it is from you. It’s a general truth that not just women do this; men likewise do.
Just in case, like my friend, you want a more direct “better” verse, Proverbs 17:1 says ‘Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting-and conflict.’
But even without this direct verse, we understand that the book of Proverbs records truth we need wisdom to interpret. We don’t say Proverbs 21:9 applies to women only, for the proverbs recorded are not absolute truths but as John H. Walton notes, they are true perspectives on life circumstances. A true perspective is not necessarily a promise to claim or a guarantee. Walton reminds us there are situations where Proverbs 26:4 — which advises us not to answer a fool according to his folly — is to be applied, while in other situations the very next verse calls us to apply wisdom and answer a fool according to his folly. There is no contradiction here, just as there is no contradiction in saying “birds of a feather flock together” and “opposites attract”.
In the same way, ‘It’s better to stay outside on the roof of your house than to live inside with a nagging husband ‘ is not a contradiction. But this does not mean nagging wives do not exist — women who will remind you 70 times seven of the need to put your not-so-dirty clothes in the laundry basket instead of your sweet spot on the floor next to it. No. It means, just as Proverbs 14:1 says a wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands it is a general truth that a wise man also builds his home, but a foolish man tears it down with his own hands. Proverbs 14:1 is not a promise to claim that only happens to women or a judgment that only befalls foolish women. It is universal wisdom that applies to men and women.
What of our relationship with God? Is God not answering us because we are nagging him in our prayers? Yes. There is a difference between nagging and persistence in prayer. We nag God when we do what the Israelites and the foreigners among them did in the wilderness.
“We wish the Lord had killed us in Egypt. When we lived there, we could at least sit down and eat all the bread and meat we wanted. But you have brought us out here into this desert, where we are going to starve.” Exodus 16:3.
‘One day some foreigners among the Israelites became greedy for food, and even the Israelites themselves began moaning, “We don’t have any meat! In Egypt we could eat all the fish we wanted, and there were cucumbers, melons, all kinds of onions, and garlic. But we’re starving out here, and the only food we have is this manna.”’ Numbers 11:4-6
Israel was ungrateful for their deliverance from slavery in Egypt and the manna they did not work for. We do God’s will when we give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
In Luke 18, Jesus told his disciples a story about how they should keep on praying and never give up: ‘In a town there was once a judge who didn’t fear God or care about people. In that same town there was a widow who kept going to the judge and saying, “Make sure that I get fair treatment in court.” For a while the judge refused to do anything. Finally, he said to himself, “Even though I don’t fear God or care about people, I will help this widow because she keeps on bothering me. If I don’t help her, she will wear me out.” The Lord said: Think about what that crooked judge said. Won’t God protect his chosen ones who pray to him day and night? Won’t he be concerned for them? He will surely hurry and help them. But when the Son of Man comes, will he find on this earth anyone with faith?’
This parable is a contrast. If a wicked judge can listen to the request of a persistent widow, won’t God, who is good, listen to you (his child) if you keep on praying and never give up?
